Cauliflower Fried Rice (Without the Bloat)

Think cauliflower is boring? Think again, rebel chef.
This gut-loving fried rice flips the script with crispy bacon (or beef if you’re that person), zucchini, and a hit of ginger that’ll make your tastebuds do a happy dance. Bonus: it’s clean enough to impress your liver and your personal trainer.

And hey, cauliflower isn’t just here for moral support. This little cruciferous overachiever doubles as pizza crust, fake oatmeal, and even sauce if you’re feeling ambitious. But today? We’re keeping it quick, hot, and stupidly easy.

Prep Time: 5 min | Cook Time: 10 min | Total Time: 20 min | Serves: 3–4

Ingredients:

• 2 tablespoons avocado oil or olive oil

• 2 organic eggs, beaten like they owe you money

• 1-inch piece of organic ginger, freshly grated

• 1/2 tablespoon organic cumin seeds, ground if you’re fancy

• 1/2 teaspoon organic turmeric

• 1 organic celery stick, finely diced

• 1 organic zucchini, diced small

• 4 slices pasture-raised, nitrate-free bacon (or organic minced beef)

• 1 large head organic cauliflower, riced (or 5-6 cups pre-riced)

• Fresh organic parsley for garnish

• A pinch of salt (use the good stuff — think Celtic or Himalayan)

Optional sass: a few sprigs of rosemary thrown in if you’re feeling chef-y.

Instructions:

1. Heat your weapon of choice (wide pan, medium heat) and slick it with coconut oil.

2. Toss in the celery, zucchini, ginger, and eggs. Stir like your rent depends on it for about 3 minutes.

3. Add bacon (or beef) plus cumin and turmeric. Turn up the heat to medium-high and crisp it all up for another 3 minutes. Bacon should be sizzling. Beef should be lightly browned but still smug.

4. Lower the heat back to medium. Rain in the cauliflower rice like it’s confetti. Stir for another 3 minutes or until it’s just softened — no mush allowed.

5. Serve it hot, toss parsley on top like you're hosting a rustic cooking show, and bask in your gut-friendly glory.

Nutritional Punch (per serving):

• Calories: 305

• Protein: 14g

• Net Carbs: ~9g (yep, single digits, baby)

• Fat: 22g

• Fibre: 8g

• Sugar: super low

• Salt: 610mg

• Vitamins: Vitamin A, Vitamin C, potassium, and smugness.

Good to Know:

• No peas, no leeks, no shallots = no sneaky sugars fermenting in your gut.

• Zucchini and celery = low-carb warriors here to save your microbiome.

• If you want it spicier, go rogue and add a pinch of cayenne.